


do it well

by imaginarykat



Category: Tales from the Borderlands - Fandom
Genre: AI Jack, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Jack Being an Asshole, M/M, ep 5 did not happen, rhys and ai jack rule hyperion together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 05:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6143113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginarykat/pseuds/imaginarykat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hey, uh, Rhys," Jack says idly, his words echoing through the office, "you ever made out with a hologram?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	do it well

**Author's Note:**

> [ORIGINALLY POSTED ON [TUMBLR](http://imaginaryanon.tumblr.com/post/134082630398/do-it-well)]

"Hey, uh, Rhys," Jack says idly, his words echoing through the office, "you ever made out with a hologram?"

Rhys snorts the coffee he's been drinking, somehow knocks the cup out of his own hand, and falls off his chair trying to catch it mid-air.

"I'm gonna assume that's a no, then," Jack continues, his voice unwavering as Rhys makes a pathetic sound from where he's landed under the desk.

"What the fuck kind of question is that?" Rhys demands as soon as he stops gasping for breath, (death by coffee, that would've been so anticlimactic), but makes no move to get up. He purses his lips and sighs, staring at the cup.

It was a _good_ coffee. He had it brought all the way from his favourite coffee shop on the entire station, the one that always takes _ages_ to get his orders to the office, even despite his brilliant tactic of alternating pay raises and death threats. Dammit.

"Ooh, aggressive. And what the fuck kind of _reaction_ was that, huh?" Jack asks, turning his full attention to Rhys.

It seems like that's what Jack's doing, at least. Rhys still can't see shit from where he's currently seated (not at all hiding, no), but Jack's tone always changes when he's being a pain in the ass on purpose. Rhys can _hear_ the cocky grin in Jack's voice, and it's fascinating, really; Jack's a hologram, for god's sake. He doesn't even have real lips or a body or anything, yet he's so good at pretending he does... Rhys realises he's thinking of Jack's lips and, inevitably, _kissing_ , and feels a sudden need to punch himself in the brain.

Jack's laughing now, and Rhys is actively considering trying to crawl over to the trapdoor and just throwing himself down.

"Oh man, this is hysterical. Okay, how about a different question: would you _like_ to make out with a hologram?"

"Okay, first of all," Rhys says, feeling himself flush, and wow, this is just perfect, being betrayed by his own face, great, "that's... physically impossible, and second of all, I'm not talking to you."

"Holy shit, you would, wouldn't you."

"Oh, my god, this is reaching entirely new levels of embarrassing. Please just stop talking."

For a second Jack's too busy dying laughing to actually speak, so that's a plus.

Rhys decides to make a run for it.

"Hahh, yes, you know, I suddenly remembered I have a meeting with the heads of Engineering which started, like, five minutes ago," he says, scrambling to his feet from underneath the desk as quickly as he can, "so, seeing as I'm already late and all, I have to leave. Right now, immediately."

There is indeed a meeting in Engineering, but he doesn't have to be there for another two hours at least. Still, it's a reason as good as any to get as far from Jack as possible. (Which is... not away at all. Jack's everywhere on Helios. Still, Rhys will take whatever he can right now.) Besides, Jack never bothers to check his schedule, so it's a perfect plan. Rhys wants to congratulate himself for the idea, up until he's halfway through the door and Jack chuckles.

Oh, god.

"Sure you do. I mean, you can go, we can continue this conversation at another time."

Rhys takes a deep breath, then turns around and walks over to one of the screens. "I cannot even begin to describe to you just how much I do not want to continue this conversation, like, ever."

The way Jack's looking at him, arms crossed, one eyebrow raised, isn't helping his blush at all. Even his ears feel hot now.

"Rhysie, you're so bad at lying it makes me wanna cry."

"I'm... not... Okay, I definitely need to go now."

"The door's right there, Rhysie," Jack hums, amusement colouring his words.

Rhys turns on his heel, fully intent on leaving. He's not thinking about it, about anything, at all. He just wants to get the hell out of there. Maybe he could go get another coffee, or pat some employees on the back, or do anything else that is normal and sane and _doesn't involve thinking about making out with holograms, oh my god, what is wrong with you_.

"...but so am I," Jack finishes his thought in a very low, very smug tone, and Rhys stops.

"Okay, Jack, whatever it is that you're playing right now--"

" _Playing?_ You wound me, babe--"

"Stop. Saying words. I, uhh. Should go. Probably. To... the meeting. Yes." He can't believe how flustered he is. Cool moves, Rhys. Cool moves.

"Knock yourself out, you smooth-talker," Jack laughs, and Rhys wants to punch him in his smug digital face so much, he might just lunge at one of the screens. Which wouldn't accomplish shit, but maybe he'd feel better. (Yeah, sure, like that one time he punched one of his employees and broke two fingers in the process. Yeah. Excellent idea.)

So he turns around, again (he must look hilarious like this, going back and forth and spinning around like a complete idiot), and looks at Jack. Jack beams at him. Asshole.

"It's. Not. Possible," Rhys says emphatically, again, just for good measure.

"I love how _that's_ your main concern."

"It's... not... uhh..." _Shit_.

Jack leans back and just _looks_ at him, quiet, waiting, and Rhys can feel himself sweating nervously under his stare.

He _could_ leave.

But why would he do that if he can have his life ruined instead?

"...how?" he asks, eyeing Jack with what he hopes looks like professional curiosity and not slightly obsessive anticipation.

"Well, I've been looking through some files, reading up on all the shit I have here in the office, and apparently there's _something_ you can do with the windows that makes them, shit, I dunno, interactive somehow? Like, if someone else had a similar window somewhere, you could make long distance calls or whatever. It's like an Echo communicator, just twenty times more awesome. I'm honestly impressed with myself. Are _you_ impressed, Rhysie?"

"Sure," Rhys says, and he wishes his feet would stop leading him towards the window but apparently this is his life now. He might as well just... go with it.

"But, since I'm right here, in the system," Jack continues, "we don't really need any other screens or people to do this. I'm just gonna project myself there, flip the switch, and then you..." Jack's tone goes darker, "you are going to do whatever you please with that."

Rhys stops in front of his desk, mostly just focused on... not... thinking. He can't believe he's seriously considering this. But he trusts Jack. And Jack... Jack’s expression is unreadable. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, right?

"So, uh," and Rhys hates the fact that he's getting a bit breathless, but he's just thrown dignity out the door anyway, so it doesn't matter, "where do I, uh, enable that... window... thing? And also, could you maybe explain how it works, exactly, because..."

"Yeah, yeah, sure I'm gonna explain it," Jack says, and Rhys is going to assume what he's hearing in Jack's voice is excitement, because that's easier, "but right now, sit your ass at the desk, I'll tell ya what to do."

Rhys nearly trips over his own legs, slips on the goddamn empty coffee cup and gracelessly lands in the chair, but he doesn't die, so hey, that's an achievement of sorts. Jack dictates him a string of words and numbers that vaguely look like they could make sense, Rhys recognises some pieces of code but most of it he doesn't know. It's not like he's in any position to doubt it, though, so he just types the the commands into the system, and when he's finished... nothing happens. He turns around and looks at the window, somewhat disappointed.

"That's... it?" he asks, staring.

"What, did you expect it would spit out a clone of me? Tsk tsk, that's not how it works, babe, I told ya. Now get over here, I really wanna try this out."

"Okay, so this is... happening. To me. Right now," Rhys mutters under his breath. He gets up, absent-mindedly tugging at the sleeve of his own jacket.

Jack's projecting himself on the surface of the window. He looks just like when he used to be in Rhys' head, casually leaning against nothing. He gives Rhys a quick once-over, and it's not like he _needs_ to do it, he's watching with all the cameras the office has. All his mannerisms and sideways looks and self-satisfied smirks are entirely for Rhys' benefit, and the realization hits Rhys maybe harder than he's willing to admit. Rhys swallows nervously and takes another step forward.

"Like what you see?" Jack says, raising an eyebrow. The corners of his lips twitch slightly, like he's holding back a smile.

Rhys rolls his eyes. What he wants to say is _you're a fucking hologram, Jack, there's nothing to see here, really,_ but all that comes out of his mouth is a nondescript "Uhh." His heart's pounding, and his brain evidently just went and disconnected itself from his mouth. Great.

"You gonna stand there all day, or..." Jack trails off lazily, looking at Rhys with his chin tilted up, and Rhys is already in the stage of acceptance. Okay, _yes_ , so _maybe_ he wants to make out with a hologram, _bad_. There's got to be _worse_ shit that people have wanted to do in the whole history of the universe, right?

Rhys takes another step forward, trying very hard not to look at Jack, but his eyes refuse to focus on anything else. Sure, he's always been staring a lot, but this is different, this is... He can't read Jack's face and it's making him stressed, and also really excited. Yes, yes he's excited. Might as well just admit it. He takes a deep breath and meets Jack's eyes.

Jack's projection moves closer, much closer, and Rhys hasn't seen him like this in a long time, and he feels a stupid small smile crawling its way onto his lips as he says, "Hey there."

Jack's eyes narrow as he stares right back, and he looks almost real as he puts one of his hands on the window. Rhys is mesmerised by the gesture, and he's wondering now; is it going to feel half as good as he expects is to? And what is it going to be? Soft spark of electricity on his lips, half-tangible but still oh so sweet, a magnetic pull, a flash of blue, digital teeth dragged along the line of his jaw. Rhys already feels his knees getting weaker, and focuses on Jack only when the man snaps his fingers.

"Havin' second thoughts, babe?" he asks in _that tone_ again, and Rhys can't take it any more, he closes the distance and _goes for it_.

He's not quite sure what it is that he expects.

He definitely doesn't expect a) his parted lips landing on regular, cold, unpleasant-to-kiss glass, and b) the absolute roar of Jack's laughter that explodes throughout the office.

Rhys opens his eyes, blinks slowly. Jack's not on the window any longer; Rhys turns on his heel to see him wheezing with laughter on every single one of the wall screens, pointing a finger at Rhys. Rhys opens his mouth, then closes it, realization and fury hitting him like a freight train.

"YOU..."

Jack's _shaking_ , and Rhys should've known, he should've, _goddammit_. The fact that he's blushing furiously does not help in the slightest. He hides his face in hands and takes a deep breath. Jack's still dying laughing.

"You ABSOLUTE DICK!" Rhys yells at him, grabs a paperweight from the desk and hurls it at one of the screens. Misses.

"I can't _believe_ ," Jack says, and there are real (well, digital) tears streaming down his face, "you fell for that, holy shit, Rhysie."

"I am going to—"

"I mean, an interactive window that lets you kiss holograms? Rhys. Rhysie. It took me three seconds to make that shit up and you _still_ went for it? _God_ , normally I'd just be disappointed but it's the funniest shit ever, oh man."

"Shut... the hell... your mouth." Oh wow, his way with words is just _phenomenal_ right now.

"You should've seen yourself, oh god, why didn't I record this, Rhysie, you wanna do that again? I need it on film. Just--" Jack stops to show off his best impression of Rhys attempting to make out with a goddamn fucking window, and Rhys does _not_ need to see this, he has had _enough_. He's just gonna leave the office, leave Helios, he'll go live down on Pandora and hope someone murders him there. Being ripped apart by skags would be kinder than _this_.

"I'm _leaving_ ," he hisses, and Jack's still sniggering, says something about this being even funnier than scooping out someone's eyes with a spoon, but Rhys doesn't care.

"Aw, Rhysie, c'mon, are you _mad_ at me?"

Rhys heads right for the door, refuses to look at any of the screens. If he ignores Jack, it'll all go away, right? (He knows it won't. But at least Jack didn't think to record it, otherwise the whole fucking station would get to see the video. President Rhys the Window Kisser. He'd never live that down.)

" _Rhysie..._ "

Rhys keeps his head up, straightens his back, walks over to the wall panel next to the door and codes it to _slam shut_ after him. Yes, this has officially been the most embarrassing event in his entire life, but at least he'll get out with _some_ dignity.

As he leaves Jack and his fits of laughter behind, he sighs deeply, makes a mental note to ask Engineering about time travel (so he could strangle his past self for being so gullible) and R&D about ways of selectively erasing a memory because he does _not_ need this, in his life, at all.

What he does need is a coffee. And a strong drink.

Or ten.

_Yeah._


End file.
